HOW NOT TO LIVE A NEW LIFE IN THE WAKE OF DIVORCE

New life after divorceSo you got your divorce, but is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence and do you know how not to live your new life in the wake of divorce? Whether you found yourself rejected by your ex-partner, or you are the one who filed for divorce and is now bragging about your happier life as a single person to your unsuspecting friends, the fact is that divorce is the second most stressful life event that can happen in our lives (Holmes and Rahne, 1997). However it important to say, that the individual differences will vary with divorce leading to lower life satisfaction for women in higher quality marriages but it could be a life-enhancing the experience for women in the lowest-quality marriages (Bourassa et al., 2015). Furthermore, the process of separation and divorce is highly stressful for all family members concerned and it can lead for instance to a development of cardiovascular diseases (Chida and Steptoe, 2010) and missing your ex-partner can lead to negative immunological changes (Stout et al., 1987). If the divorce does not end the ongoing marital conflict, this could induce development of unhappiness, depression, low confidence and aggression in children, which has been well documented by modern developmental psychologists and all this can have further devastating and damaging consequences on already fragile and unsupportive disintegrating family system (Sroufe et al., 1996). Put aside the fact that divorce is the second most stressful life event that may onset health and psychological issues in your children and you, and that it can lower life satisfaction in some, whether your ex-partner rejected you or whether you were the one who had decided to divorce and must start again and hope for a better future, do you have what it takes to start dating and restoring your love life again? Have you ever asked yourself a question who you were twenty years ago and who are you are now and whether this is compatible with starting to form new relationships again?

Our clients that are going through anticipatory divorce or had reached divorce complain of myriad divorce related issues that vary from trust issues and inability to connect with new potential love object, low confidence and the fear of being rejected because of a loss in the standard of living in the years before or after divorce and the list continues. Whilst some people realise that the overall cost of the negative post-divorce effects outweighs any prospects of starting a relationship with someone new again and they decide against all odds to reconciliate, others are not given any chance at all and some swear to never look back again. Whatever post-divorce categories you might belong to and however hurt or devastated you might be, the reality is that sooner or later you may start experiencing the debilitating effects of divorce such as loneliness or isolation, which are scientifically proven depressing and disintegrating. Despite swearing to never be in a committed relationship again, you may find yourself secretly desiring meaningful connection with a new love object again. However, being in the middle of the divorce or readjusting to a new and unfamiliar life after divorce and having not dated for over a decade or twenty years could be all disorientating. The ongoing cocktail of burden of unfamiliarity with a new life after divorce, doubts, anger, shame, low confidence, past disappointments and fear, confusion and dealing with unprocessed and unresolved past could not only be very unattractive and off-putting but also unlikely leading to new satisfying relationships and instead reinforcing more pain and sense of hopelessness. It is then that one may start reaching for a quick fix stimulants such as anti-depressants, drugs, alcohol and sex with the hope of resolving somehow the deepening post-divorce pain. However, the research clearly shows that although the quick fix of stimulants such as alcohol, drugs or sex might provide the user with short-lived feelings of elevation, it might also leave one feeling worse off in the longer term long-term and in contradiction to rewarding meaningful and satisfying relationships which are evidently a wiser investment (Fitzgerald, 2010). If you want to make your divorce more constructive instead of going back to square one and if you are still finding yourself unhappy although single and free again or if you are feeling stuck, lost and unable to find the exit for happier future why not consider trying booking a session? In the session, we can look at what your life is like after a divorce, how you cope and what helps and what doesn’t and we can work through any past unprocessed material that could be blocking the connection between your potential love object and you. To book your appointment directly with Leona call 07 505 124 933, to find more about how not to live your new life after divorce and what improvements can you make to make your new life more fulfilling and satisfying.