LOVE AND ONLINE INFIDELITY

This article is about love and online infidelity. ‘All you need is love’ Beatles were singing, love is exciting and can send us into psychedelic highs (Liebowitz, 1983) and love is for most of us inevitable part of our lives from the moment we are thrown into this world and into the loving arms of our mother to the moment we don’t have it, crave it and feel psychologically tortured by the absence of it and yes despite the need for love some of us are in the pursuit of online infidelity. Love is addictive, many of us dream about it, wrestle with it, or indulge in the pleasure of it and some of us are confused by it. Love is exciting and result of surging levels of neurotransmitters, dopamine and norephinephrine that are activated by us looking or noticing someone who agrees with our ideal of attractiveness (Liebowitz, 1983) and the intense love experiences may involve another neurotransmitter called serotonin, that can produce almost psychedelic high and companionate love may rely on the production of narcotic-like substances like endorphins that create a sense of tranquillity. Love is a complex emotion and researchers and clinicians have tried to define it. For instance Heinlein described a person-to-person love as condition where the happiness of another person is important to your own. In any type of love, the component of caring and respect about the loved person is important and while love may include a passionate hunger for sexual union, respect for the loved one is a chief concern. Fromm (1956) defined a mature love as ‘union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality, beings become one yet remain two, the lover must feel I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me’. Branden (1980) describes romantic love as ‘passionate spiritual-emotional-sexual attachment between two people that reflects a high regard for the value of each other’s person. Master and Johnson (1988) write that Alan described different types of love for example Eros, that involves physical attraction and intense, sexual magnetism, erotic love that is quick to ignite and quick to die out and rarely turns into a deep lasting relationship or pragma is more level-headed practical love. But whatever the love type, Lee believes that the most satisfying love relationships are between people who share the same approach to loving and have the same definition of love. Love is intensive and addictive in the initial stages but is love sustainable in the transitional stage or would it lead to infidelity? Love relationship can start from the initial excitement of getting to know someone to noticing flaws in each other that were ignored before  and dissatisfaction may develop, frustration may emerge when love does not measure up to our fantasises or expectations and some of us could resort to infidelity.

The transitional stage of love is a time for testing reality and it can either go back to being in love stage and will further strengthen the love relationship or it can lead to incapacity of solving any presenting issues and making the relationship work, can be sometimes hard and people can turn to cheating or online infidelity. 46% of men and 72% of women view internet relationship as infidelity (Divorce Magazine). People may wonder whether online affairs should be considered as infidelity since they might not involve the sex, but the guilty partners may know all too well that what they are doing is wrong and that they are betraying their partners when they keep their online affairs secret and the betrayed partners could react with the same amount of pain and anger as with infidelities in real life. Internet affairs can lead to some changes in our partners’ behaviours and to a decline of interest in the relationship. The cheated partners may notice that the partner might be going to bed suddenly at different times or much later times, there might be less sharing compared to what the sharing looked like before, the existence of new pins on mobile phones or tables, the guilty partner acting vigilantly around the phone and reacting aggressively or defensively when confronted. Your partner’s personality might change, your partner might become colder and more withdrawn, showing less interest in the sex and less interest in the relationship because they are busy having fun with someone else. Since online affairs can be as damaging and as painful as affairs in real life, it is important that you set up the same boundaries and rules that should not be different from boundaries and rules involving potential risk to your relationship from other objects of threats in the real life. There are a number of different reasons for why people will turn to infidelity by cheating on their partners online. Infidelity could be caused by boredom in the relationship, craving for novelty in the sex life; it could be caused by sexually addictive behaviours, a lack of confidence and sense of empowerment linked to the availability and anonymity enabled to cybersex, sexting and porn users or by a complex or traumatic past of your partner that could be replayed in your relationship if troublesome and unresolved. If you caught your partner having an online affair and if you feel overwhelmed and don’t know what to do next or if you would like to give your relationship another chance and would like to explore with a third objective unbiased party, the therapist, your options then the therapy might be for you. The therapy might be also for you, if you are having an online affair and feel confused and don’t know what to do. The therapy might be also for you, if you feel betrayed and confused about your partner is cheating and if you would like a support during this difficult period. If you are suspecting online infidelity in your love relationship, or have issues with your relationship or have discovered your partner is having an affair and would like to receive support and do some couple therapy, please do not hesitate to contact me for appointment on 07 505 124 933.